Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
