I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just sucked dick on a ferry
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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