Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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