I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
