So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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