dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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