I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
