"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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