i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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