Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
