Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
