I'm eating all of the evidence.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
