Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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