LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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