Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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