we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
