I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
