You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just pee around me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize