i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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