The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
