i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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