The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize