there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
