My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Randomize
