Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
