I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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