apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
