I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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