Fuck appropriateness.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
