were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
