I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
