i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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