I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
