just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
