I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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