is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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