You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
where am i from again
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
