9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
