Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
