I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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