dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
