If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
