i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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