my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
