did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
