I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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