I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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