4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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