I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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