smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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