He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
