Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
