i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
