I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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