just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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