I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
